Guest Post: MLS and the Big 12/Sam and Big Games

So, Sam and I were talking on AIM, and he invited me to be the first guest blogger on Intellectual Detritus. My response:

HOORAY, I’M USEFUL! I’M HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME!

Anyway, we were both watching the LA Galaxy/San Jose Earthquakes game on Thursday night. Sam marveled at the overall crappiness of the Galaxy even though they were winning, and then it hit me: the LA Galaxy are the Kansas State Wildcats of MLS. Like Michael Beasley of KSU, David Beckham is an amazing talent that could play anywhere he wanted (well, almost), but instead, Beckham decided to play for the Galaxy as  of playing for one of soccer’s major powers. Carlos Ruiz and Landon Donovan are the Galaxy equivalent of Bill Walker for KSU. Like Walker, Ruiz is a talented player that also happens to be a headcase that is vulnerable to start thugging it up when things don’t go his way, and like Walker, Donovan became famous for urinating incidents. At least when Donovan needed to relieve himself a Estadio Jalisco in Guadalajara 4 years ago, he had the decency to do it behind some bushes before the game. Walker decided to wait until the final seconds of the game against Oregon displayed no modesty by just standing in front of everyone and let’er rip into towels stuffed in his shorts.

However once you get past Beasley and Walker or Beckham, Donovan, and Ruiz, all that is left on both of these teams is a collection of players that range from mediocre to just flat awful. Sometimes, these players are able to produce because of brilliant play from the superstars, but in most cases, they just leave the big guns frustrated. Beckham (and Donovan to a lesser extent) just has to be thrilled to be serving balls into that giant stiff Alan Gordon just like Beasley had to love the fact that the guys in charge of getting him the ball were Clent Stewart and Blake Young.

(I admit that Chris Klein throws off this analogy. I guess if Cartier Martin had another year of eligibility for K-State, Klein would be the Cartier Martin of the Galaxy)

So what lies ahead for the Galaxy? Probably a similar season that K-State had. They will embarrass themselves in several games (4-0 loss to Colorado, for example), but they will grab some attention with a couple of big wins when Becks, Donovan and Ruiz go nuts. They may even sneak into the post season, but they would only do so as one of the last teams to get in.

Now, Sam has already noted that he does not handle big games well. I can attest to this. Back during the 2002 World Cup, the United States only needed a draw against Poland, who lost both of their games, to advance to the second round of the tournament. For most of us, we were really excited about this prospect. For Sam, however, it was obvious to him that the other shoe was going to drop.

We went to the driving range the night before the game, and he confessed that he knew the United States was going to get hosed in a vast conspiracy. First, the Chinese referee would find a way to gift a few calls towards Poland, causing us to lose (the saber-rattling between the US and China in the early years of Dubya’s presidency was the cause of Sam’s paranoia). Then, in the other game in the group, South Korea and Portugal would sign a non-aggression pact (ie agreeing to play for a draw) that would allow the Koreans and Portuguese to advance while sending the United States back home. I tried to assure him that everything would be okay.

Unfortunately, Sam was (almost) clairvoyant. Poland scored in the first couple minutes for the United States, which no doubt caused Sam’s blood pressure to rise significantly. The United States immediately came back, and Donovan headed the ball into the Polish goal. I don’t think any of us watching the game in the “Soccer Den” will forget what happened next. The Chinese referee disallowed the goal, claiming that Donovan shoved the Polish defender. This call was marginal at best (the Pole looked like he dove when he realized he couldn’t win the ball), and seeing his prediction coming true, Sam erupted. “THEY’RE F*&#%ING US!!!!!!! I KNEW IT!!!!!!” Sam then grabbed a heavy wooden chair and was about to heave it as if he were competing in the hammer throw. Just as he was about to follow through, he realized that this was a horrible idea, and he tried to stop. The chair ended up tumbling onto Shawna’s head (my future wife) as he stormed out of the room.

The US did go on to lose that game 3-1, and in the other game, Portuguese star Luis Figo actually proposed to a Korean player that both teams play for the draw. Luckily, like Luke Skywalker ruining Palpatine’s prophecy by refusing to turn to the dark side, the Koreans took it as an insult and went on to win the game, allowing the US to back into the second round of the World Cup, where we pwned Mexico 2-0.

So if you are lucky enough to watch the KU/UNC game with Sam, I offer a word of warning. When/if Tyler Hansbrough gets the ball, takes five steps, barrels into Sasha Kaun, throws up a wild shot that goes in while flailing his arms about, and Kaun somehow gets called for the foul, I recommend you duck and cover.